At meetings with friends, family or even during breaks at work, telling dirty jokes of all kinds is always a good method to guarantee laughter from the staff . If your repertoire is already obsolete, we hope you can expand it with some of our contributions, many of which are timeless classics of humor.
- More fun: 30 short jokes to laugh and not stop.
The 40 best dirty jokes to die of laughter
If there is something that we are missing here, it is shame, so here we go with our collection of jokes:
An old couple and the man says:
– Honey, where do you want me to go? let’s make love today
* On the floor!
– And why on the ground
? – Well, to feel something hard!
At the very least, the experience will make up for the back pain afterward .
2. Skimping on expenses
A man is reviewing the bills and tells his wife:
-Patricia, if you knew how to cook we would save a fortune on the cook.
*Yes Manolo And if you knew how to make love we would save a fortune on the gardener!
If it is that… Why do you say anything, Manolo
3. Comprehension problems
– Mom, does the light
? that you are going to swallow it whole”…
The children, involuntary protagonists of the most bawdy dirty jokes…
4. The place is the least of it
– Honey, I’m going to build you a castle to make love to you like a queen .
* Better build me a madhouse to make love to me like crazy…!
The woman of the 21st century would build her own castle.
5. Can the excess cause death
? – What did he die of, doctor?
* From multi-organ failure.
– What a bitch! With me he faked it…
With that answer, we understand why he did it.
6. Original Substitutes
-Excuse me, sir, this is for a survey: does his wife yell at him when they make love
* Well yes, enough.
-And she does it during, after, before…
* No, she does it after, when I wipe my p *** a with the curtains.
What we like about some dirty jokes is their unexpected ending .
7. Better not to ask
– Mom, mom, how do you explain that dad is black, you are white and I am yellow
* Look kid, if you knew the orgy that was set up that day, what surprises me is that you don’t bark…
This kid doesn’t ask again about “Where do children come from?”
8. Rewriting the Disney classics
– Who discovered fire
* Pinocchio, while masturbating
Childhood in the trash in 3,2,1…
9. “Do you have any flaws
A farmer in a job interview:
* Every day!
– No, sir, what if “man” or “woman”
* Man, woman, pig, goat or whatever is closest at hand…
The position is yours! Welcome!
10. Always effervescent
– How is your love life my friend?
* Well, like Coca-Cola.
– Like Coca-Cola! And how is that?
* Well, first Normal, then Light and now Zero
“Coca-Cola, since 1886, spreading happiness.”
11. The key to success
– What’s between mommy’s legs, daddy
– And among yours?
* The keys to paradise? he answers proudly.
– Well, change them, because the neighbor has made copies!
Infidelities and sexual metaphors, the key ingredients for funny dirty jokes that never go out of style.
12. A long way
– Wow, I’m so tired! Is there a long way to go to reach the uterus
– asks a sperm to another who ran next to him.
* Of course, – answers the other- we just passed the tonsils…
Does anyone have any idea how they ended up there ? Explain it to us, please.
13. The authentic maternal instinct
– I came to buy a dildo, the one I had was damaged.
* And how did you love him
– Well, like a son!
The attachment that some people can feel for their most precious personal belongings is immense.
14. A beast is on the loose
A drunk urinates in the street and a lady walks past him:
– What a horror, what a beast, what a monster…!!!
And the drunk replies:
* Calm down, lady, I’ve got you by the neck!
Citizen collaboration is essential for a good coexistence, there is no doubt about that.
15. Bad press
One clitoris says to another:
– Hey, they told me you don’t cum anymore…
* BAH! That’s what gossips are.
One of those risque green jokes dedicated to those less gifted with tongues.
16. It only takes 2 for a party
– Are you coming to an orgy tonight
? It’s going to be incredible: wild sex, unlimited pleasure!
* How many people will there be
– Well, if your wife comes, there will be three of us…
Let each one put the limits of friendship where they see fit…
17. The fun-loving grandmother –
do you like your eggs, grandmother
? bounce off the chin!
Faced with such a brilliant response, we have no possible reply.
18. A new hybrid
The curtain opens and a pig is seen making love to a dinosaur. Title of the movie
* “Jurassic Pig”. What would our repertoire of funny dirty jokes be without the mythical “The curtain opens…” 19.
– What milk says to cocoa
* Give me some powder, I’m hot! We will never put milk next to cocoa powder again . 20. The royal earrings
– Why do some men walk with their legs bowed to the sides
* Because there are such insignificant things that go between parentheses.
I’m lucky I have no idea what they’re talking about… 21. Question of priorities
– Hey, you. SUCK IT, OR LIFE!
* I suck it, I suck it.
Is it that not even when they rob you can you stop thinking about the same thing?
22. Say no to bestiality
A father who tells his son:
– Look son, I’ve already talked to the stork to bring you a little brother!
To which the little one replies:
– But dad! With so many women and you go to bed with the stork?
It’s true that today’s children are already taught.
23. The authentic Christmas spirit
Two older men talking:
– Do you prefer sex or Christmas
* Sex, of course! There is Christmas every year.
The lack of sex is also a recurring theme in the short dirty jokes that make us laugh so much.
24. Caution: fragile material
A man meets a friend who is walking with bow legs.
-Hello, Juan, how are you?
* Fine, but yesterday I went to the doctor and he told me that my cholesterol was very high…
-And what does it have to do with the way you walk?
* He told me not to even touch the eggs
… the friend the protagonist of our dirty joke from before
25. Dog envy
Two friends see a dog that is licking its parts:
– How I wish I could do that! – says one of them.
And the other answers:
* Well, but first you would get a little intimate with the dog, wouldn’t you?
Even we have doubts about what he was referring to.
26. Saleswoman at home
A girl rings the doorbell of a house and an older man comes out, quite grumpy:
– What do you want
* Sir, I sell eggs
– And why do I want bandaged eggs
Mental note: never again knock on the door of strangers .
27. Female self -exploration
– Which women know their body best?
* Those who masturbate, because they know it “by heart”
One of those short green jokes that are funniest as well as successful.
28. Vegetarian cunnilingus
A couple is in the countryside, and he begins to perform oral sex on her:
-Pepe, Pepe, take off your glasses, you’re nailing your glasses on me…!
He takes them off and continues. At the minute, she says:
– Pepe, Pepe, put on your glasses, you’re eating the grass…!
Somebody call for help or call an ambulance!
29. Physiological needs
A man enters a pizzeria, accompanied by two ladies and says:
– I wanted two pizzas 4 cheeses.
– No, they are prostitutes, but they are hungry.
“Gentleman, focus, please, they weren’t asking you about that .”
30. A busy schedule
– Hello, is Julia
-Could she put on her, please
* No, she is 39 in bed.
-Damn, if she has received visitors today!
Who wouldn’t want dirty jokes like this to come true?
31. A boring afternoon
– Love, it’s raining and the clothes are hanging. You put it in me
* You have to see how you are! Clothes getting wet and you just thinking about sex!
So that later they say about men, huh?
32. Empowered Little Red Riding Hood
The Wolf to Little Red Riding Hood:
– Little Red Riding Hood! I’m going to eat you what NO ONE has eaten you!
* Well, as long as it’s not the little basket…
Let’s see what the story has changed!
33. The festival of vegetables
Two ladies are picking turnips and one of them says to the other:
– This turnip looks like what my husband has between his legs!
* Because of how long and hard
– No, because of how dirty it is?
This image will haunt us in our nightmares.
34. Damn Lunar!
A redhead who goes to the confessional
– Freckles, son
– asks the priest.
* Even in the ass, father.
The poor redheads are also protagonists to the force of this collection of short dirty jokes.
35. Communication first and foremost
The husband tells his wife:
– Honey, let me know when you have an orgasm…
* But, my love, you told me I couldn’t call you at work
Do not disturb during working hours, please.
6. Question of trust
Two friends, one of them says to the other:
– I feel like sex
* And me – replies the second- but I don’t have any money.
– Calm down man! Between friends we are not going to charge…
As we said: we will not get into the limits that are placed on friendship.
37. Widening the door frame
Paco, do you like threesomes
? – Sure, man.
* Well, go home, your wife has started without you.
No one counted on this surprise guest to start the party .
38. The benefits of vegetables
– The carrot is great for the eyes.
* Oh, yes
-Yes, yesterday I put one in her ass and she made me see even the stars
If you thought that with the turnip the repertoire of dirty jokes with vegetables had ended, you were wrong.
39. The first thing that was at hand
– Do you know the difference between toilet paper and bathroom curtains
* Well, not really.
– AHA! So it was you!
A good way to catch the culprit of such a mess.
40. It turns out that in the end the stork doesn’t bring them
A child discovers his parents in full 69 and says:
– And you are the ones who want to send me to the psychologist for eating my nails
When he grows up, it probably won’t seem so strange what they they are doing
- You can also read: The 40 best jokes for young and old children.