Jokes about Divorce
A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, “Judge, we want a divorce.”
The judge says, “You’ve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?”
The couple say in unison, “Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”
The woman applying for a job in a Floridalemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in pickinglemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced threetimes.”
95 year old David and 90 year old Martha went to a lawyer to get a divorce. The lawyer asked, “How long have you been married?”
David answered, “75 rough and rocky years”
Lawyer asked, “Then, why have you waited so long to file for divorce?”
Martha replied, “We had to wait for the kids to die!”
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.
“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.
“Yes, I do,” she replied.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'”
“Yes, I do,” she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know…I would have gotten out today.”
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”
Adam, the judge of family court said, “Mr. Nathan, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $500 a week.”
Nathan: “That’s very fair, your honor. And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”