Funny Jokes Husband and Wife Jokes

Funny Jokes Husband and Wife Jokes

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

A friend asked a lady: “I suppose you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?”
“Yes, a strand of my husband’s hair.”
“But your husband’s still alive!”
“Yes, but his hair’s gone.”

A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to the wife, “Your rear end is as wide as the grill.” She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, he measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!”
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman looked puzzled. “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked.
“Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere”

After a few months of marriage Aparna’s husband reported her Missing. Police found her, but she refused to come back.
“We met while playing mixed doubles tennis,” she said.
“When we married we planned to have 2 boys and 2 girls, to form our own mixed doubles. Now my husband is bored with tennis and mad about football. There are 11 boys in a soccer team and I’m worried.”

There once was a man who said,
”I never knew what real happiness was until I got married;
and then it was too late.”

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said “And just where do you think you’re going?” “I’m going too!!” he replied. “Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.”
The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.”
They then asked the woman, “What are you?”
She replied: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

A little boy asked his father,
”Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied,
”I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Question: Why is it that after they get married, a husband and wife are like two sides of a coin.
Answer: Because although they cannot bear to face one another, they remain together.

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