Funny Birthday Jokes – Best Funny Stuff
In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.
“Mother, I want to quit the veil.”
“But why, my child?”
“To become a prostitute.”
“What? What are you saying?”
“I said I want to become a prostitute, mother.”
“Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!”
A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said, “Hello.” “Are you the game warden?” she asked. “Yes.” “Finally Ah’ve got the right person!” she said. “Could yaw l gimme some help with my son’s birthday party?”
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. “Excuse me for disturbing you, ma am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.” “That’s right.” “Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.” “Well, today is his birthday.”
A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
“So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying “Ehhhh… 22!”
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
“And can you tell us your height, please?”
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!”
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure, or lookup.
“Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, “What was that for?”
She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”
He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, “What was that for?”
She answers, “Your horse called.”
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”
A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. What’s the matter? she asked. It’s my birthday! he hollered. And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . . and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. But that