Best Sex Jokes Online – Free Jokes about Sex
A woman in the kitchen, preparing to make boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband arrives. She turns around and says:
– Give me love, there, now!
Husband’s eyes light up and he thinks:
– “Hehe, it’s my lucky day!”
Not wanting to miss this bargain, he kisses her and honor on the kitchen table.
Then she said “Thanks!” and returns to his boiled eggs.
A little puzzled, he asks:
– Can you explain?
– The timer for boiled eggs is broken …
The grandfather of 95 has died.
The small-son will offer his condolences to his grandmother 90 years and finds the grandmother in tears:
He takes her in his arms and console.
A moment later, seeing her more calm, small-son took the opportunity and asks:
– Grandma, Grandpa died how? …
– It happened while making love, he confesses his grandmother.
The boy replied that people 90 years or more should not make love because it is very dangerous.
But the grandmother explains:
– We did not until Sunday, 5 years, very quietly, to the rhythm of church bells, “ding” to put it, “dong” to remove it …
– And what happened, Grandma?, Asks the little-son ….
– Ho, boy!
The ice-cream is made with the bell!!
A man bumps against a woman in a hotel lobby.
During the collision his elbow against the chest mound of it.
They are both surprised.
The man turns to her and said:
“Madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you will forgive me.”
To which she replied:
“If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”
Subject: wage negotiations
Conchita wanted an increase.
The Landlady very upset by this query asks:
“Why do you want a raise, Conchita?”
Conchita: “Well, Madame for three reasons.
The first is because I pass better than Madame ”
Madam: “And who says that”
Conchita: “This gentleman told me that.”
“The second is that I cook better than Madame.”
Madam: “nonsense! And who says you cook better than me?”
Conchita: “This gentleman said that I cook better than Madame.”
“My third reason is that I love better than Madame”
Madame (outside it): “And yet the gentleman who tells you that you make love better than me?”
Conchita: “Oh, No, ma’am. … It’s the gardener!”
And wham … Conchita had her raise!
MORALITY: When claims to climb coconut trees, it is better to have clean pants … (West Indian proverb)
A young woman completely panicked calls his doctor and said:
– Doctor, Doctor! I lazed in my garden and a bee came into my vagina!
– Ah … well then listen to me, should tell your husband to put jam on sex and to attract the bee out.
– But doctor, my husband is not here!
– In this case, I will have to intervene, do not move ma’am, I’m coming!
The practitioner then hurriedly went to the girl and rings the doorbell. She opens it, just wearing a robe. Dazzled by the beauty of the young woman, the doctor stammers:
– Good … Bonjour madame. Give me a jar of jam and go lie on the bed.
The young woman gave him the pot goes to the room, takes off his robe, lies on her back and spreads her thighs. Seeing her in this position, the doctor has all the trouble to keep his cool. He approaches her, trying to somehow hide the huge bulge that makes his pants … He opens the jar of jam, but … Overwhelmed by desire, unable to resist his impulses, the doctor quickly undoes his pants and inserted his penis of a sudden the sex of the young woman and begins to love him madly.
– But Doctor! What do you do?? – I changed my technique madame! First I stun and then I drown …
What is pink and jumping from vine to vine?
Chewin gum stuck in a cul de tarzan
It’s a little boy asks his mother:
“Hey Mom, it’s true that I was born in a cabbage?
Yes and your sister in pink!
So you made love in the garden? ”
A nun takes a taxi to get to Dunkirk and finds that the handsome driver keeps looking at her.
She asks him why he looks so intensely.
He replies: “I have a question for you, but do not want to offend you.
She replied: “My son, you can not offend me. When you’re my age and has been a nun as long as I was, you have seen and heard just about everything. I’m sure nothing Could you tell me or ask me would be an offense. ”
“Well, I always had the fantasy that a nun kiss me.”
She replies, “Well, we’ll see what we can do. First you must be unmarried and secondly you must be Catholic.”
The taxi driver is very excited and said, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic!”
“O.K.” said the nun. “Turn-cons in the next aisle.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss to make a prostitute blush.
As they resumed their journey, the driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?
“Forgive me for sin. I must confess that I lied, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “do not worry. My name is Alain and I go to the carnival!”
A guy comes home late at night.
His wife asks: Where you from?
He replied: I just got a tattoo.
His wife: A tattoo?! What a con! (She screams)
Him: I’m tattooed a 500 euro note on the penis.
His wife: Why such a bullshit?
Him for 3 reasons. The first because I like seeing my money grow, the second because I love playing with my money, and the third because that way, you can pump me 500 euros when you want!