Funny stuff – Drunk Jokes
A dying drug addict called his three best friends to his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $5,000 in cash. He made them promise that after his death and during his viewing, they would place the three envelopes in his casket. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy heaven. A few days later the man died. At the viewing, the three friends, each placed an envelope in the casket and said goodbye to their friend. These three men met again a few months later. The first friend, feeling overwhelmed, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $1,000 in the envelope he put in the casket. He thought, rather than waste all the money, he would spend it on a trip to Florida to buy cocaine. The next friend, moved by the confession of the first, said that he too had kept some of the cash for a fun party. His envelope, he fessed up, had only $800 in it. He said, he could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to have a high time. By this time the last friend, a pot head, spoke. “I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the casket contained the full amount. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $5,000.”
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.”
The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again”. And with that, he
falls out the window again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40…
Once again, he comes to a stop, and whoosh! He sails right
back up and floats safely through the window.
“Give it a try, it’s a blast,” he says.
“Well, what the heck, it does look like fun. I believe I will
give it a try”, the first man says. He climbs up on the
window sill, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls
10… 20… 30… 40… 50… 60…
100 feet, and splat! He ends up on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy
casually closesthe window and heads back to the bar. As he
sits down and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know,
Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!”
Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something.
A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. “What is it you have lost? ” he asked.
”My watch, ” replied the drunk. “It fell off when I tripped over the pavement.”
The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch.
“Where exactly did you trip? ” asked the passer-by.
“About half a block up the street, ” replied the drunk.
“Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street? ”
The drunk said: “Because the light’s a lot better here. ”