Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”
W.C. Fields

“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
Dick Gregory

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
Arlo Guthrie
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
More funny Johnny Carson quotes

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
P.J. O’Rourke.

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won’t make it “white”.
More funny Bing Crosby quotes

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
Larry Wilde.

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”
Hamilton Wright Mabi

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
More funny Kin Hubbard quotes

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
Tom Sims

Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, “Mony Python”

“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.”

“Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.”
Helen Steiner Rice

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
More funny Johnny Carson quotes

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